Monday, August 28, 2017

Superwoman: Life Update II

Who knew this was a foreshadowing of things to come?
Turns out this wasn't just a cute Halloween costume my parents put on me as a child; it was a suit of armor I was going to have to learn how to put on myself as an adult.

Last I did a Life Update, I had just gotten the results back from the blood workup that I had gotten done for the Pulmonary Embolism I had. I was able to get off the blood thinner I was taking, and everything is still OK in that regard. I actually had my follow-up blood workup with my hematologist last week and, so far, the results have come back fine... it takes a little while for all the results to come in. So now, as also mentioned in my last Life Update post, I'm working on my infertility... and it has not been easy for me.

My infertility. What a hard thing to hear, think, say, write. But there it is, in black and white; my infertility. It has been the source of many tears, sleepless nights, worry, anger, throwing things, breaking things, rage, and exhaustion. Most people call it a journey. I call it a battle... because that's what it feels like. I'm in a constant state of going in between feeling like a pin cushion to a peg that keeps getting beaten further and further into the ground. You have to be Superwoman to get through this shit!

I wound up seeing two Reproductive Endocrinologists (RE). The first one turned out to be just an absolute asshole. He was a sexist jerk! He treated me horribly, and I just cannot wrap my head around how this guy is still in practice... or even why, not only for patients' sake, but for his own. My husband and I could tell that he had backwards views on women and reproductive health/rights, so why the hell does he want to be in the reproductive medical field? Is it just to push his agenda onto patients? Because that's all he did with me. I immediately made an appointment with a second RE... what a difference. I love this doctor! He is kind and not only medically/book smart, but also common sense smart. He was patient with me, he listened, was gentle and understanding, and took my personal issues into account. I'm so happy I found him... after seeing him, I then proceeded immediately to cancel the obligatory follow-up appointment I made with the first RE & had all my files transferred over to the second. 

Now that I have a RE to go to, I do understand the importance that has & am happy about it... I'm just not happy I have to have one in the first place. That is what I cannot get over and what I am having such a hard time dealing with. I feel like that kid in that story about the Christmas trees.. you know, one kid talks about how he's so happy he can have a big tree now because when he was growing up, he was so poor that his parents could only afford crappy little "Charlie Brown" type trees. Then the kid he's talking to says "You had a tree?!" Yea, I'm that kid... the "you-had-a-tree" kid. Even though I know intellectually that I am NOT the only person going through what I'm going through, that's not how I feel emotionally, and emotions cannot be helped through logical means. They just can't. I feel so alone. My chances of getting pregnant aren't low. They're zero. Now, logically, there are means to increase my chances, but emotionally I feel like a failure. I feel broken. I don't work. Am I even a woman? 

Specifically, there are hormone shots I can take, Clomid, to get my body ovulating. The problem is the Pulmonary Embolism I had. Hormones are what caused my PE in the first place, and pregnancy in and of itself is a risk factor for blood clots so add Clomid to all this and you've got yourself a mess. A mess that will have to be managed with me seeing a high-risk OBGYN, taking a blood thinner again and monitoring, lots and lots of monitoring. And my risk is already high because of my Pelvic Pain Disease and the pain management that I do for it...

...I really do need my Superwoman suit. I just hope it works.

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